shittt

so lately i have realized that love is the craziest part of my life. i honestly have never felt this much for someone and moved so fast with someone in such a short period of time before. in 2 weeks me and sam have now been together for 4 months!
and i don't know sometimes he jokes about like getting married and getting our own place together and having kids. he tells me im the girl that he was always looking for and doesn't ever want to lose me. i just don't know how to take all this in at one time. don't get me wrong its nice to know that he is ready to be serious, but so soon just makes my head hurt.
in other news, i have made up my mind what i want to do as soon as this economy gets back on its feet and im not struggling anymore. im going to beauty school. im going to get my degree and then work in a local salon. then hopefully save enough money to go back to school and get my business management degree. so hopefully i can own my own salon, or just do it out of my own home. i think that would be the best job for me.
meanwhile tho, i like working at dunlap's. its a lot of fun and the people that i work with are all really chill. plus its 5 mins away from my house and im making at least 20 dollars more than i was every shift i work! im just really happy i have a job! most people i know are really struggling to find one. it really sucks.

i also now have a little problem on my hands, hopefully its not going to become some huge thing. but i will make it one if i have to. my mom's exboyfriend (the man who beat the shit out of me) is now stalking my mom and had the balls to find where we live and come here. my mom hasn't tried to keep it a secret where we live, she just didn't want him coming here and sure enough the first thing he does is show up. well when he did come here i was the only one here, and im the one who also got the most of his frustration the night that all the stuff went down, so i started freaking out. i was shaking so bad i couldn't even really talk, i tried to call my mom to tell her that he was here. but due to no car's being in the drive way he just pulled up, turned around and then drove off. so then my mom called him asking why he did this and he claims "i wanted to see what the house looked like"!!!! so now we are going crazy. locking everything! i have my digital camera at all times, so if he EVER does it again im taking pics and calling the cops. there is no need for this shit. we moved on, why can't he?! and im the one who called the cops on him last time, what makes him think that i won't do it again?!
he really must be a stupid stupid stupid boy, i say boy because no 36 year old man would of done what he did!

i had to get that off my chest, sorry.
:)

i really love how its starting to get nice out. and the sun is starting to come up earlier. life is good.
i really can't wait for summer to be here. my cousin susan is getting married, which is going to be a blast. and sam is going to meet my whole dad's side of the family. its going to be a big step for us, but he is going to fit in so well. i can just feel it. i will be turning 21! & sam gets off of probation. we plan on going on a vacation, hopefully to the beach. work will be picking up and i will have some bank money. & me and sam are thinking about getting an apartment, well depending on the way his job goes & other things.
we have been together now for 3 months. its been great tho. i mean don't get me wrong, we have our arguments. but when everything is said and done, we are really happy. i really haven't felt this good in a long time.
my little sister turned 4 today. it felt kinda crazy to me. like i seriously remember going and visiting my mom at the hospital like it was yesterday. i like it now that she is getting older tho. she is fun to play with and she can make anyone smile. she loves sam too, its so cute, she calls him her boyfriend.

<3

how can someone be everything you've ever wanted,
but yet your still not happy?!



i just wish i could understand your troubled mind.

so i have realized that for once im happy where im at. im not looking at the past and missing those times or wishing i could relive them all over again.
im content and it makes me understand this crazy life i live.

well i haven't written on here in forever, so i guess i have a lot to tell. to start, my life has been flipped every which way in the last couple months. if someone would of told me a year ago that i would of went threw what i have, i wouldn't of believed it for a second. but it happened, and as everyone says, it makes you a stronger person.
well to sum it all up, i fell in love and got my heart ripped out of my chest and then walked all over right in front of my blind eyes. but ironic as it is, what is meant to be will always find its way, it may take someone longer to realize that the best thing for them is standing right in front of them, but they will one day realize. because yes it took him awhile to realize i was there the whole time and yes i went threw a lot of tears and heartache, but it was all well worth it. i am happier then i have ever been. i have the guy of my dreams, he's a real man. he's there for me no matter what. as weird as it sounds people tell him that im the female version of him, and that being said we are always agreeing and never fight about anything. i mean we play argue and yes we do sometimes have our disagreements, but nothing major. i feel as if i am truly in love and falling harder for this man everyday.
threw all of the heartache, i also had to go threw a domestic violence situation. had a "man" decide he was going to try to beat the shit out of my mom and me while my little brother and 3 year old sister watched. i was the one who had to call the cops and go threw all the bullshit because i was the one he took most of his "problems" out on. LUCKY ME! so then due to that i was "homeless" for a little over a month. i wasn't really homeless, thank god for my friend sarah and her parents because they let me stay there while my mom and brother and sister stayed at my mom's friends house. mean while all this was going on, i was working a full time job and trying to be a full time student, that didn't work out very well tho. i failed horribly, at school, work and life.
but now all of this is over. my life is great, BETTER THAN EVER. im no longer "homeless" or have to put up with a woman beating piece of shit in my house hold. i have the man of my dreams by my side and a smile on my face.

fuck money,
fuck guys,
fuck parents,
fuck cars,
fuck.

so life is just life lately. thats the best way for me to describe it, its not really bad, but at the same time ive had better. and its not really great because believe me ive had worse. but either way i really don't like it. i feel like im starting to go somewhere good and it all shits on me. and so i give up, and when i go to try again, well its a never ending cycle.
summer has been pretty good. for my first summer back, i can't complain, over all. i mean yea there were a lot of drunken fun and drunken bad moments, but your always going to have that.
ive noticed tho, with the more i hang out with friends and the more money i spend and the more i drink and have a good time, its ironic how i get more and more lonely. i really don't understand how this works. ive even tried meeting new people and putting myself in situations that i normally wouldn't feel comfortable and somehow i adapt and yet when i go home at night i lay my head down and wonder why, why do i feel so lonely?!
im not trying to have a pity on myself or try to have attention, because believe me i have gotten rid of all of the drama that was following me and i finally feel free. i just don't understand why im like this. i grew up being told never depend on a guy, always be independent and live for yourself. but lately i find myself looking at guys wondering if i could see myself being with them, i never used to be like that. i meet new people just to try to find someone that i have so much in common with that we hopefully hit it off from hello. someone that will want to live like the country song "johnny and june" because believe me no one loves like that anymore. and lately ive realized that my moods are getting lower and im starting to switch it over, onto myself. im wondering if im not pretty enough?! ive lost a decent amount of weight, which you would think would make me feel better about myself, but instead it has me wanting to lose more. im always wondering why guys don't talk to me the way my guy friends talk to and about other girls. i just don't get it.
i like being single tho, this is the really weird part. 80 percent of the time i am hanging out with guys, i have become one of the guys! im okay with that tho, guys don't have drama or prissy bullshit. and i like being able to do whatever i want. i never make plans anymore, i go with the flow. i like being able to hang out with guys and not having someone getting mad at me for it. i like making decisions for myself and not having to converse with someone else about what im doing. i like not having to compromise with anyone about anything i do.

i believe i have lost my mind, and i don't know where to start looking for it.

im not myself lately,
but its okay,
because i like who i am.
and for what is going on in my life
right now,
i think im holding up pretty well.


i wish you would realize how much i miss you,
how much i want to hang out with you again,
how i feel like i need you,
our talks and long nights.
why won't you realize that ive always been
here & always will be.

how can someone promise that they won't do something,
and then go and do it?!
do my feelings really don't matter to you?!
im done.
im sick of all this drama,
and bullshit.

ive been realizing that i need to start living for myself,
my whole life ive been the type of person to try to make everyone
else happy and make sure they are having a good time.
from now on im living for me. for the moment. to make myself happy,
and see where that takes me.
im sick of worrying about who's mad at me or if what im doing is right.
from now on if its right for me and that moment then im gonna do it.
if this means it makes people mad at me or even stop talking to me,
then so be it. ive tried so hard to make everyone else happy,
im now making myself happy.

i just don't know whats next,
where do i go, who is there for me to turn to?!

i just don't understand anything anymore.
how can everything be okay and the next minute be all fucked up?!

i don't know where to go, who to turn to,
or whats in store for me next. life has been such a roller coaster,
and im kinda getting sick and want off of it.

you tell me to go for it, and i am.
you tell me your happy about it, but ten mins later
your freaking out on me about little shit.
i really don't understand what is going on,
if it weren't for you hanging out with them, i would
of never met them. and now that you don't want to hang out
with them, doesn't mean that i don't. they are now my friends too.
i don't understand why you are acting this way. you tell me one thing
and then get mad about it.
really please explain whats going on...

i had a really fun birthday,
and it makes me smile :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! :D

MY BIRTHDAY IS ON THURSDAY.
im excited. im going to be 20 yrs. old.
so that means im no longer a teenager! :)

and i love how family that i don't even talk
to just sends me mad money.
this is great. :D

ive been waiting for this feeling for a long time,
im starting to become happy, and excited about things
that i thought wouldn't come any time soon.
its starting to make me feel good about myself,
and he makes me smile, without even being around.

im not trying to hurt anyone,
and im not trying to let myself go,
or even fall to fast and then fuck everything up.
i just want to have fun and enjoy this feeling.


my life right now = sierra, country music, car rides, nipps, && friends. :)

all of this is going by way to fast.
thursday is my birthday and i really can't believe it. im going to be 20.
im no longer a teenager!:)

lately i have been feeling really lost. i feel like part of me is missing,
and im sick of this feeling. it really needs to go away. i don't miss anyone in
particular, i just miss being in a relationship, or having someone be into me.
don't get me wrong i love being single, being free, doing what i want, whenever and
with whoever i want.
i just don't know how to start dating or like how to go about looking into someone,
and the wondering if they are feeling anything back. its so confusing!


but summer is going great. and the fun has just begun! :D

so ive realized that i haven't wrote on here in forever, so i am about to fill you in on everything.
well lately ive been living up the stereo typical gettysburg country girl. like last week sometime i went fishing and sat on a bank for hours just chillin and drinking some beer. and i have found myself swimming in the nastiest, dirtiest water possible. i have also been in the craziest situations ever. meeting new interesting people and having a good time doing it. see when i lived in gettysburg i never went out of my comfort zone, because i was happy with who i was and who i was with. but these days, i like meeting new people and new situations and listening to new stories and making new funny stories.
and like saturday we had this big cookout at my house for july 4th and it was great. it was very "red neck" style. but it was a bunch of fun! sitting around, drinking, listening to music, bullshitting and swimming. it may not sound like a good time, but to me it was! my mom got tipsy and i had a good time getting tipsy with her. also the other night i found my car packed filled with people like a bunch of mexicans and booze cruising. yea i know its not smart, but man i had the time of my life.
and what made me really realize how much ive loved my life since ive moved home, was last night i sat on a bed of a truck, drinking a beer, just talking my ass off about crazy times in my life. how i lived in florida for 9 months and shit like that. i sat there listening to country music, drinking beer and bullshitting for like 4 hours. and i had the time of my life. i think i may be a country girl at heart, even tho i may try so hard not to be.


summer is going good, and im happy the way i am. :)
its still really hard on me living back home, most of the people that i thought would still be here when i got back home, aren't. they have replaced me with better people and cooler things to do. but you know what, im finally starting to be okay with that.

so i have been trying to quit smoking,
and yesterday i kinda lost track and
smoked way too many than i should have.
but today i
HAVEN'T SMOKED ANY!!!
and its like 10pm,
im so proud of myself,
i think i am finally ready to kick
this bad habbit to the curb!
:)

i can't believe it,
im lost in this world of lust. :)